Perception Of Life
by GoneGoneForeverandEver
Summary: ONE SHOT:"They said we would be together forever. That we were perfect. He said he would never leave me. That he wasn't going anywhere. I could never look at him the same way again. He didn't know. He didn't know about Julia. I didn't know about him."


I never thought it would happen to me. I was St. Clare, ClareBear, Baby Edwards, Propmaster Clare, BlueEyes. Never was I just Clare. St. Clare would vanish forever once people heard about his. I would be shunned by those I knew. Pitied. Not because I was with emo-boy. Not because my family was falling apart, triggering rebellion from me. Not because I could no longer share my feelings and concerns with anyone.

But because I loved.

They said we would be together forever. That we were perfect. He said he would never leave me. That he wasn't going anywhere. I could never look at him the same way again. He didn't know. He didn't know about Julia. I didn't know about him.

What was I supposed to say if people found out? No one would love me anymore. Who could love me? I was contagious. A disaster that everyone would pass by not even bothering to pick up, and later find out the truth about, just to drop me into the forgotten pile once again. I probably couldn't even get that much interaction anymore.

I laid down on my bed and began to let tears fall. I wasn't sobbing, because my life wasn't over. At least, not yet. I just let my tears slowly slide down the sides of my face, some hitting my earlobe and then falling. My face expressionless, blank, staring up at the ceiling.

I never thought I'd be the one to be affected. But my perception of life changed through every major event in my life. When Reese flirted with me, I felt a rush of confidence, but I let the confidence get to my head and ended up with KC.

KC.

The guy who left me for my best friend, who used me to steal him away. She even said it herself,. I remember her exact words. "At my old school, I was such a boyfriend stealer". And she continued by assuring my that she wouldn't steal KC from me but she did anyways.

I felt my life change when I got a make over. Cutting my hair shorter, leaving in its natural curls, getting rid of my geeky glasses, and building a new confidence into me. It wasn't like the old one that eventually broke me down. It was an improved confidence. One that helped me proceed further in my wants.

But no one seemed to notice.

No one except Eli.

My perception of life changed when I met Eli. The risks I took when I was with him were small in the eyes of others, but were a big step for me. My shell broke and I became a little more-

-free.

But my perception of life was changed once more when my parents decided to separate. Now, the jeopardy I partook in were past the standards of mischief for others. This kind of mischief wasn't praised by most. Even if you were the biggest badass in Degrassi. Rather it was looked down upon. But I didn't care at the time.

I wanted an escape from my life.

Why couldn't my life ever have a second of perfection?

It would reach that point like when building a house of cards, but as soon as it was one card away from being complete, a gust of wind would come from the dry surrounding around me. Knocking it down. Knocking my "perfection" down. Leaving me to pick up the pieces, which were completely strewn. Leaving me no choice but to start over and make use of these useless broken pieces.

But, Eli was there for me. Through my parents divorce he helped me mend my pieces back to a whole. My perfection was being built back at an alarming rate, only to be stopped by Eli himself, along with his lurking memories of his dead ex girlfriend, Julia.

My house of cards didn't fall down. The building process was just stopped for awhile as me and Eli started to grow apart. We finally confronted one another and my house of cards was completed, standing here for my admiration.

Figuratively though.

It stood there for a while, but of course a gust of wind came and my perception of life was changed, yet again.

Completely this time.

But I'm just like anybody.

Aren't I?

I want and I need as much as anybody.

I have secrets and scars as deep as anybody.

I have fears and doubts, just like everybody.

I know I mess up and make mistakes, but doesn't everybody?

Then why don't **I** feel like **everybody**?

I sat up and wiped my tears away, looking around in my room. My sadness affected everything. Or so it seemed to me. The color of everything was faded and washed out. I glanced over at my night stand to see what time it was, but something else caught my eye instead, I reached over and wiped the photo frame of its light coat of dust, watching as the pictures changed automatically. Me and Alli during Christmas.

Eli and I in a still shot, kissing, from our Romeo and Juliette project.

KC and I at The Dot.

A family picture, during a picnic.

The next picture flooded a smile onto my face.

Darcy, Mom and my mouths were open from laughter when the picture was taken. We had convinced Dad into letting us make a chocolate cake for Mother's Day while he went pick Mom up from work. He agreed telling us to make sure everything stayed clean, because Mom wouldn't want that kid of hassle after coming home tired from work. We managed to make the cake but drips of chocolate batter was all over the kitchen counters. Frosting was smeared on my right cheek and slightly on my nose. Darcy had a touch of whipped cream on her eyebrow next to her beauty mark. Flour sprinkled in our unkempt hair and chocolate all over our little hands and in between our fingers. Mom and Dad had come home to find me and Darcy rushing to fix the kitchen. We had swiped our hands over the plops of batter on the counter and brushed sprinkles onto the floor so that the cake was only sitting in the middle of the kitchen counter, to look...

...presentable.

Mom walked into the kitchen with a shocked face as Darcy and I yelled "Surprise!". Our voices trailing off at the end seeing her shocked face. We thought we were in so much trouble. Mom looked at the mess around her. Bowls, whisks, measuring cups, and spoons piled up with either batter or whipped cream dripping off of them. She looked at the cake that sat there quietly, untouched, and unharmed by Mom's expression and the quietness and worry that surrounded it, in an almost taunting way. And finally she looked at us. Messy and rugged, our faces worried about what would happen next.

But Mom started smiling and came over to hug us and place a kiss on each of our foreheads. One things led to another and Dad stood there smiling at us and ran to get the camera. "We love you mom", Darcy and I said, both of us cupping her cheek with our small hands and kissing the cheek. We had completely forgotten about the chocolate batter on our hands and started to apologize immediately, but Mom only smiled and said, "I love you girls so much". The picture was taken just like that. Mom's arms around me and Darcy in our blotchy state. Small chocolate hand prints on Mom's cheeks as well. All three of us with our mouths open, laughter and happiness shining through us.

Mom.

Dad.

Darcy.

What was I going to tell them?

Maybe they wouldn't be upset that I broke my promise for purity. I knew they would be even more upset when they heard this new news. They would stop loving me. Trust was not even up for questioning. Once people found out my life would die.

Die.

Death.

If I died would anyone remember me? Well, would they **want** to remmeber me? Keep me in their hearts or memories? I glanced back down at the picture frame in my hand. The picture had changed to a different picture now, but the lurking memories af that photo made me smile immediately.

And I sat there, realization pouring over me making my smile lace my room and body. Bringing everything back to life and to its positive energy. My perfection was built again.

By me now.

And it was gonna stay that way. The only gusts of winds would be the breezes that did my perfection no harm. I had to make the best of my time. I made mistakes and now I have to deal with them. This situation presented me with the biggest change in my perception of life, and that's exactly why God put me in the situation. Because God knew that I would be able to handle the struggles that come along with the situation. He knew that I would come to this realization sooner or later and nothing would be able to stop my fireworks from exploding.

I couldn't be selfish about this. These weren't just my problems, they were Eli's as well. We could deal with the problem together, even though we wouldn't cancel each other out. But he was my rock and I was his as well. We would get through this together, our mistakes cancel out together, not our problems.

All we needed was love.

I never thought it would be me. I didn't think I'd ever be in this situation. But I did it out of love. And I should've took the precautions before, but I didn't. Neither did Eli or Julia. But it gave my perception of life a positive and permanent boost.

That one statement, left me aghast when Eli told me, but helped me realize over this weekend, what my perception of life should've been from the beginning.

To make moments with those around you. Moments of passion and realisticness. Whether they were content, blissful, doleful, wretched, austere, solicitous, or even choleric moments. All this from Eli's one statement.

"Clare, I've had HIV ever since I lost my virginity to Julia."

* * *

**It doesn't matter if you are heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual - ANYTIME you have sex you are at risk of getting HIV/AIDS.****You are at risk if you have ever had unprotected vaginal, anal or oral sex. You are also at risk for getting HIV/AIDS if you ever had a condom break or slip off during sex.****If your sexual partner has HIV or is at risk for HIV, you are also in danger of getting HIV****. Actually, people under the age of 25 are estimated to account for half of all new HIV infections worldwide.**

**First off, one of the things that irk me about this site are the authors. They get over thirty reviews a day, thousands of readers, many many subscribers, and their writing is awesome! but they always stick a message saying that their latest chapter or story sucked. No it didn't! And YOU didn't think it sucked either! YOU KNOW YOU'RE A GOOD WRITER! Otherwise you wouldn't have posted your so called "crappy" chapter. **

**So now I'm here to say that I think I did my best with this one shot, because even though_ I_ may not have HIV I'm sure that at a point we all come to this realization. **

**We just never commit to it, which is the sad part.**

**I thougth this story was much needed because it affects all of us. We may not think it will because we stay away from the actions but it affects ALL OF US.**

**I'm hoping this story gave you a new perception of life. I tried not to make it too sad because I'm sure that the rest of your life isn't spent moping around after finding out you have a sickness or disease let alone HIV. Tell me how I did please?**

**Any suggestions, comments, or questions please put in a review :D**


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